


Love, In Itself

by orphan_account



Category: Depeche Mode
Genre: F/M, Fanfiction
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-28
Updated: 2019-02-08
Packaged: 2019-09-01 20:34:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16772440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Alan Wilder/OFC (Rachel). Rachel is tired of everything, and she’s walking around one night when something tells her to go into a nearby nightclub, where she meets someone that will change her life forever.





	1. 1

“So, what brought you to the club?” Alan asked, sipping his wine.    
  
“Well, I was sort of depressed. I wanted to have one good night before I had to deal with life, you know?” I asked, looking straight into his slightly cold, unbelievably attractive blue eyes.    
  
“Really? What’s wrong?” he asked me as he placed his hand on top of mine.    
  
“I don’t want it to ruin my night,” I told him gently, and his long fingers stroked my small ones.    
  
“All right, then. I didn’t catch your name?”    
  
“Call me...Hannah.” Hannah was not my name, it was the name of my best friend, but somehow I felt that I had to protect my identity.   
  
I knew that he could tell by the pause that I wasn’t telling him my real name. “Hannah?”    
  
He waited for me to say anything else.    
  
I stayed silent, so he spoke up again.    
  
“That’s not your name, is it?”    
  
I shook my head, feeling inexplicably upset. “Rachel,” I whispered, and he stroked my hand again, trying to soothe me.    
  
“That’s a beautiful name. I’m Alan. Alan Wilder.” He smiled reassuringly at me, and I couldn’t help but smile back, he had such a cute smile. His lips were thin, and his front teeth were slightly bigger than the rest of his teeth. When he smiled, he looked innocent and adorable, slightly vulnerable, although his body language and the way he looked at people indicated he was anything but vulnerable.    
  
“I know,” I told him, and I did. I loved Depeche Mode enough that I could recognize all of the members at a glance, and although I had always been drawn to Dave—such a sweet ray of light, in such a dark time I felt drawn to anyone who radiated sunshine and love—but now that I was with Alan, I was helplessly attracted to him. He knew it, too—when I had sat down across from him, he had raised his eyebrows and given me a knowing smirk. I wanted very much to fall into his arms and let him kiss me, his long fingers stroking my hair. I imagined that he would start out gentle and playful, and then get rougher and passionate as the kiss went on until we could barely breathe.    
  
I told myself to snap out of it, I knew very well that he wasn’t going to kiss me. A nagging voice at the back of my head asked me why he’d come to the bar by himself then, but I pushed it away and waited for his answer.    
  
“Do you now? I suppose you like Depeche Mode, then?”    
  
“I do, yeah. Although “like” is a bit of an understatement.”    
  
He laughed, giving me that knowing smirk again. I could‘ve sworn he inched a little closer towards me when I winked at him, but I tried to make myself not think about that.    
  
‘All he wants is conversation, Rach,’ I told myself, and then I realized that Rach was what my ex had called me, and I felt suddenly angry. ‘Alan is so much better than Brendan ever was,’ I thought before I could stop myself.    
  
“Oh, really? I assume you’ve heard Music For The Masses, then?” he inquired. He must have high standards for fans, as Music For The Masses had only come out three weeks ago.    
  
“Yeah, I thought it was really good. My roommate hated me for several days because I wouldn’t stop playing it,” I said, realizing that he hadn’t taken his hand off of mine.    
  
He laughed, this time not so knowingly. “Have you decided which song’s your favorite yet?”   
  
“Yeah, Never Let Me Down Again for sure.”   
  
He startled a little bit. “That was my favorite as well.” He trailed off as if he was about to say something, and then his gaze grew more intense.    
  
“You can always tell when a song is the musician’s personal favorite,” I commented vaguely, pulling my hand out from under his and holding it properly.    
  
He drank the rest of his wine and got up abruptly. I panicked for one moment, wondering if I’d done something wrong. If I shouldn’t have held his hand.    
  
“Rachel, would you dance with me?” Alan asked, extending his hand again. I nodded breathlessly, standing up while finishing my wine as well.    
  
He gave me that self-satisfied smirk once again and wrapped his arm around my waist, taking me to the dance floor. We waited for a new song to start and then began swaying to the beat a little bit. Neither of us were very good dancers, but we were moving and it gave me an excuse to be in Alan’s arms.    
  
We slowly stopped dancing, until we were just standing in the middle of the dance floor, trying to shake our attraction for each other.    
  
We both gave up at the same time, and our lips crashed together. We paid no mind to the people staring at us at first, but then we started drifting towards the bathrooms, where we knew there was a balcony we could stand on.    
  
Alan’s kiss was exactly the way I had imagined it, and it was escalating quickly, becoming very passionate just as I had predicted. One of his hands was stroking my hair, and the other was holding me tightly against him. Both of my arms were around his waist, trying to ensure that he would never let go of me, and he backed me against the wall on either side of the door connecting the club to the balcony to make sure our bodies were as close as possible.    
  
After what had seemed like only a few seconds but what must have been at least fifteen minutes, Alan pulled away from me and smiled at me, his hands settling possessively on my hips.    
  
“What did you think, Rachel?” he asked.   
  
“It was perfect,” I told him. And then I realized, I had kissed him. I had kissed Alan, and now my heart was going to be broken. Why had I done something so stupid?    
  
“Would you like to kiss me again, in private this time?” Alan asked, and my heart skipped a beat.    
  
I had been asked to go home with a man often enough that I knew he wanted to take me home and probably have sex with me. I had always declined—I had particular taste in men and I was very cautious—but Alan seemed different. It probably didn’t help that he was so confident that I would say yes. It wasn’t that I was afraid of hurting his feelings, but more so that I knew he was right and it annoyed me, although that wasn’t going to change my answer.    
  
“I would love to,” I responded, and his face lit up. He pulled me into his arms and kissed my forehead, and then we left the club together. It was a shock for the few seconds I was in the club again as we headed towards the door; the music was throbbing and everyone was noisy and the atmosphere seemed so vulgar after those beautiful minutes in the fresh air of the balcony with Alan.   
  
We walked for a little longer than I’d expected before we came to his house, which was a small apartment building.    
  
“I share with Dave for now. I haven’t bothered to buy a house yet, I don’t have a family or reason yet to make that big of an investment, really,” Alan said in response to my questioning look, and then we took the elevator for a few floors and we were there. He opened the door and we realized at the same time that Dave was sprawled out on the couch in front of the television in his pajamas with a large bowl of popcorn.    
  
“Hello! I didn’t think Alan would ever manage to get a girl!” Dave exclaimed upon my arrival.    
  
Alan rolled his eyes and gave Dave a look.    
  
“Oh, all right, I’ll go see if that idiot next door will let me stay over. Have fun, dear, and don’t expect much from Al!” Dave shouted, closing the door before Alan could insult him back.    
  
I laughed until I could barely breathe, and although he tried to seem annoyed Alan couldn’t keep a straight face either, and when we stopped laughing he carried me bridal-style into his bedroom and set me down on the bed gently.    
  
He began undressing me, and while he did he asked, “Rachel, have you ever done this before?”    
  
“No,” I said uncertainly, and I hadn’t. I had never loved a man enough to do so, and I hadn’t known if I ever would, until this day.    
  
Alan’s hands stopped just before unclasping my bra. “Are you sure you want me to be your first?” he asked, one of his hands moving up my body to caress my face.    
  
I nodded firmly. “I’m sure.”    
  
He smiled at me, slightly flattered, and finished undressing me. He pulled his own clothes off and then lay next to me, touching me and kissing me all over. I had never felt quite like this, I realized, and I moved a little closer to him and tried to make him feel the same way. He closed his eyes and let out a soft moan when I did, and I felt secretly proud of myself.    
  
After a while, he got bored with teasing me and I knew what was going to happen. At this point, I wanted it a lot, but I was also slightly scared. I had never liked knowing that I was about to be in pain. I could remember one day when I was nine years old, which was probably what started my dislike of knowing about pain.    
  
I had wanted to impress the popular girls, who had been standing not far. So I had climbed the most dangerous and tall of all the trees, the one the adults had warned us not to climb. The branches were much too thin and the trunk much too tall. But I climbed it anyway, and as I sat triumphantly on the top branch waving to the awestruck group of girls looking up at me, I heard a loud snap and the branch I was sitting on broke. It was quite a ways down, and I had several seconds of anticipation while I hit the ground. So many thoughts went through me, and all I could do was scream at the most popular girl, “Everybody knows Ethan likes me and not you!” Then I hit the ground, and I heard another crack. It had been my arm, and it took me several years to recover. Every time I had looked at that arm for months, all I could feel was that sense of knowing I was going to be in what was the worst pain of my short nine-year-old life.   
  
And now, lying underneath Alan, I felt the same way I had all those years ago. The tree the adults had warned me not to climb was a sort of metaphor for what was about to happen to me, and I was climbing it anyway. Only this time, it wasn’t to impress the popular girls.    
  
And then I could feel my innocence being completely taken away from me, and it was the best feeling I’d ever experienced. I had thought it was going to hurt like hell, and it hurt for a few seconds but what I had imagined was a million times worse. I had never felt anything like it, and I loved it.    
  
I cried out, holding onto Alan, who was smirking down at me for the millionth time that night. I felt a rush of affection come over me, and I pecked him on the lips. He made an appreciative noise and snuggled into me more as he began thrusting into me, and I realized later that maybe Alan was exactly what I had needed that night. I hadn’t told Alan until much later in life, but I had been seriously thinking about ending my life. And then I had seen the sign for the club and something had told me to go in. I had seen Alan, and he saved my life without knowing it.    
  
About two hours later, I woke up. Alan and I had reached our highs and exchanged goodnights and much affection over an hour ago, and then I had fallen asleep in his arms. I could tell by his breathing pattern that he was still awake, and then I began to sob with all my might.    
  
“Rach? What’s wrong?” Alan asked, surprised. I realized that for the first time in two and a half years, it didn’t hurt when someone called me Rach. I knew that Alan was the one for me, and it only made me cry harder.    
  
It was some time before I could talk, and when I did it was between sniffles and Alan helping me wipe away my tears.    
  
“I—I don’t want to be involved in a one-night stand. Alan, I had a one-night stand and I really—I really—I’m so sad,” I managed to get out, and then I began sobbing again.    
  
“Rachel, who ever said we had a one-night stand? You’re someone I want by my side as long as you love me,” Alan said gently as he covered my still-naked body with the covers to keep me warm.    
  
But I couldn’t believe him; I was convinced that he didn’t really love me and only wanted a girl to have fun with once. I was nearly hysterical, and so Alan wrapped the two of us tightly in the blankets and whispered comforting things in my ear until I calmed down.    
  
“Rach....I love you. I hope you know that,” Alan told me quietly.    
  
“Alan, I—I think I love you too. I—I know that now,” I said, and I snuggled close to Alan again and he stroked my hair until I fell asleep again.    
  
Later, I realized that I was stupid to think that Alan had only wanted me for one night. I realized that the way he had treated me was the way you would treat a wife or girlfriend. I also realized that I loved him, and that was the most important thing of all, I know now.


	2. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rachel meets Dave the next morning, and she somewhat nervously tells Alan about her dark past.

I woke up to a loud sizzling sound from just outside the door. Disoriented for a moment, I looked around and remembered what had happened last night. I felt so happy—the old me would have been angry at myself, but the me that I’d discovered over the past six months was pleased that I had a boyfriend now. Alan was still asleep next to me, one of his legs thrown over mine. His face looked peaceful, his lips curved into a slight smile. He opened his eyes, looking confused for a moment just as I had and then remembering what had happened. He immediately hugged me, and I lay back on the pillow and enjoyed the moment. 

The sizzling sound grew louder, and Alan covered his ears. 

“Dave and his bloody bacon,” he complained. “Always up bright and early to cook the crap out of my good moods. C’mon, you want to go steal some?” 

I laughed. “Sure, pay him back for ruining your sleep, then?” 

Alan nodded, and then passed me one of his shirts so I didn’t have to get dressed immediately, which was nice of him since I didn’t like getting dressed. I didn’t bother about fashion, and to me getting dressed was twenty minutes out of my day trying to find clothes that matched and then getting them on. Not that I wanted to walk around naked, I just didn’t like having to get in and out of clothes and the whole fashion thing. 

I buttoned up the shirt, which came halfway down my thighs. I studied myself in the mirror—too short to wear when Dave could see it? It covered what should be covered, and Alan was there with me. It wasn’t like I was going to flaunt the shirt, either, I was just scared, really. I shivered at the thought of past memories, then looked away before I could change my mind. 

Alan gave me a nod of approval, looking me up and down. “You’re beautiful, you know that?” 

I shrugged, more memories taking me over. 

“Rach? You okay?” Alan asked, slightly concerned. He placed a hand on my shoulder, and I leaned towards him automatically. It was a weird feeling for me, to trust someone so easily, but there was something about Alan that drew me to him. 

“Yeah, just hungry.” Alan glanced at me once more, then seemed to believe me and we left his room together. 

The minute Dave laid eyes on me, he took me into his arms and hugged me like he’d known me for years. 

“Good morning, beautiful! Had fun?” 

I blushed a little. “Yeah, I did,” I laughed softly, and so did Alan, who was standing next to me with an arm around my shoulders.

“What’s your name?” Dave asked, smiling at me with a warm, friendly look on his face. I knew immediately that I liked Dave. 

“Rachel,” I told him, snuggling a little closer into Alan, his warm body relaxing me. 

“Oh, I used to know a Rachel! My sister’s best friend for years, she was, bit of a prankster. I’m Dave, then, do you want some bacon and eggs?” 

“Yes, please! I’m not a prankster at all, more shy.” I reached for the plate that Dave was offering to me, piled high with warm food. 

We sat down at the table and ate, and I found Dave quite enjoyable. I hadn’t expected all of us to get along so well, but we did and I certainly wasn’t going to complain. 

After breakfast, Dave left to go on a day out with his girlfriend (Jo, if I remembered correctly), so it was just Alan and I again. We got dressed, and then he sat down on the couch with me. I knew what he was going to ask me, and I knew that I would answer truthfully. 

“Rach, is there something—” he started, and I cut him off. 

“Yeah, there is,” I said quietly, and he waited for me to continue, stroking my knee. 

“Well...ah, I don’t know how to explain it. It’ll probably sound stupid,” I mumbled, looking out of the window so that he hopefully couldn’t see the tears in my eyes. 

He suddenly reached out and pulled me right into his lap, holding me tightly. “Better, sweetheart? It won’t sound stupid, take your time,” Alan reassured me. 

“Well, I...I’m just..I don’t know,” I sighed in frustration. “I wasn’t a strong person for most of my life. I didn’t have a good childhood. The owner of a local store…he—he would harass people. I won’t talk about that very much, but I kind of grew up in fear and I was never a strong person, I didn’t trust people. I didn’t like being called beautiful, and I just, I didn’t know how to take care of myself. So the first thing I did after I moved out was get a boyfriend, and I relied completely on him. He wasn’t a good person, didn’t really do anything bad to me but was just kind of mean. One of those people who knew how to break you down and did. And I was just kind of broken for a long time, not knowing it. I was completely dependent on him, and then he broke up with me. So then for one and a half years I was kind of in a hopeless position. Then I met a girl. Hannah.” 

Alan raised an eyebrow, kissing the top of my forehead. I knew that he remembered when I had told him that my name was Hannah.

I went on. “Hannah is one of the best people I knew. She helped me be okay, she helped me to discover that there was more to me than fear. She taught me how to stand up for myself, how to take care of myself. And that’s when my life got okay. The reason why I was in the club last night was because her aunt died, and I knew that I was going to have to comfort her when she came back from the funeral. I’m not good at comforting people, Alan, it always makes me cry. I remember all of my problems. So I was dreading that, and I was starting to be upset again without Hannah to be there for me. And I was going over things to say that I thought might comfort her, and I remembered all of my problems, and then all I could think about was how weak and hopeless I thought I was. And I thought that I might...end things. But then I saw the sign for the nightclub, and something told me to go inside. And I met you, Al.” I wasn’t sure what else to say, so I kissed his cheek and waited for his reaction. 

He pulled me even closer and ran his fingers through my hair. “Oh love...I’m sorry.” 

“For what?” I asked gently.

“That I wasn’t there with you before yesterday. That you had to grow up like that. You’re not weak and hopeless, love, no one could go through that and be weak.”

I didn’t really know what to say, so I stroked his tangled hair and let myself sink into how much I liked being with him like this. You really didn’t need words at a time like this, I knew, and we stayed silent for quite a while. Alan was the first to start talking again. 

“So...you don’t want me to call you beautiful?” he asked uncertainly. 

“I don’t know. I’m just not used to it. Do whatever you want, it’s not exactly fair for you to have all these guidelines. If there’s anyone I trust completely and don’t mind hearing whatever they say, it’s you.” 

Alan smiled. “Really?” 

“Yeah. Oh, and I forgot to ask you. Are—are we dating now?” I almost didn’t want to hear the answer. 

“Of course we are! Why else would I want you this close?” Alan gestured at our intertwined limbs. 

I shrugged. “I don’t know.” 

Alan smiled again, and then he kissed me gently, and every time I opened my lips he’d close his again until, laughing, I gave up completely which was when he decided to kiss me properly. Snuggling close to each other again, we stayed like that until Dave came home at around one thirty that afternoon. 

I think it was then when I realized that Alan and I were meant to be, as cheesy as it sounded. I had never felt as intimate and close to anyone else in my entire life, and I’d only known him for not yet 24 hours. 

And by the look on his face, I could tell that Alan felt the same way. 


	3. Work is abandoned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This work is abandoned

Hi,

Thank you to anyone who read this or left kudos. Unfortunately, I ended up not liking the way it was going or the way I wrote it. So I am orphaning this work. If you would like to read something else I’ve written, my username is alanwildersgirl on AO3. 

Maybe you’ll enjoy this partially finished work, and if you’d like to take it up you may, without my permission of course as AO3 removes your ability to moderate comments and respond to them as the official author when you orphan a work. 

That’s all I have to say, so thanks again to anyone who read this. 

:)

**Author's Note:**

> Tell me what you thought! I will post new chapters soon(ish, I’m a bit of a procrastinator and don’t get ideas easily), but I’m not sure how long it’s going to be yet. If you want any of that song playlist stuff, I had the 101 version of Shake The Disease (my very favorite song which has helped me through so much, I highly recommend you listen to it) on repeat the entire time while writing it, and you could do the same while reading it, or just any Depeche Mode song(s) is the playlist for this. :)


End file.
